Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
