The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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