the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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