OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
