you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
