i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
