im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
