So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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