I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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