This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
