Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
