I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize