Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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