The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm passing your future prison.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
