I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
