right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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