Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
