Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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