Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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