I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
