tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
