i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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