I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
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As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
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Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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