also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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