I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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