Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
