This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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