I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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