I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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