im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
