You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
