I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
