So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
