No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
