Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
