Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
