and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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