HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
