How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
