Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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