Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
