is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
