afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
