Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he told me I talked like a deaf person
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Still dying that you shit outside
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
