I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
