have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
