Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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