K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Randomize
