I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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