Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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