So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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