Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
