he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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