Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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