I accidentally had phone sex last night
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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