You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
