He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Its about making memories worth repressing
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
